Good Morning Class

Welcome to Offensive Driving 101. In this class, you will learn valuable tips on how to thoroughly annoy those on the road around you.

Let’s begin with the basics, leaving your driveway. The first thing to remember when preparing to leave your driveway is that your driveway connects with the public street, avenue, road, boulevard, lane, or whatever it is called in your area. This means that the portion of the public thoroughfare that connects to your driveway belongs to you. Therefore, when leaving your driveway in an offensive manner, do not stop and check for oncoming traffic before proceeding. Definitely pull straight out and do not look left or right. This is the most accepted offensive method of leaving one’s driveway.

Now that you are on your way, it is important to remember to check your makeup, drink coffee (or another boiling hot beverage), eat, make calls on your cell phone, read the newspaper, make special handwritten notes, address the mail, or drive with one hand on the wheel while bending over and looking for something that has rolled into the floorboard. All of these things are important and you should make every effort to take care of them after you leave your home and prior to arriving at your destination so that you do not waste any of your valuable personal time.

If you should pull up behind another driver who hesitates before accelerating after the light has turned, it is your duty to forcefully apply pressure to your horn in order to alert him to his mistake and encourage him to proceed. Don’t be a sissy. Really lay down on that horn! If you don’t do this, there is no telling how long the other driver will just continue to sit there.

While driving in heavy traffic, it is important to remember to get as close to the car in front of you as possible. This will make more room for everyone on the road. The starts and stops that are a part of driving in heavy city traffic or on the highway are not really your concern. Just make more room for everyone and stay close.

At times, one lane of traffic may stop while another lane appears to open. Don’t miss your chance. Immediately get out of the line and gun your vehicle into the open lane. If for some reason you have to get back in the previous lane because that lane is blocked, just look impatient and blow your horn and flick your lights at someone. They will most likely think you are in some sort of emergency and will let you back into the line.

When in a situation where another lane needs to merge, you actually have two choices that are equally correct. The first choice is to ignore the vehicles that need to merge. You are in the correct lane and they chose the wrong lane, so it is just their loss. The second choice is to stop traffic and allow fifteen or twenty other cars to pull out in front of you. Don’t worry about the drivers behind you who were attempting to use the old fashioned “every other car” method of merging. They are just being silly and should recognize your method is better.

If someone attempts to pass you, then you should do the other drivers out there a favor and speed up so that the other car cannot make it around you. You are going fast enough and there is no excuse for anyone to pass you. To further teach the driver behind you a lesson, don’t hesitate to tap your brakes every now and then for no reason.

Signaling before making turns or changing lanes is really a waste of time and energy and could distract you while you’re trying to read your map or drink your coffee. You only have two hands, so just don’t worry about letting the other drivers know what to expect.

In the event of an accident that slows traffic, remember to slow your vehicle down drastically and lean out your window to make sure that things are under control. The officers at the scene will appreciate your care and concern and besides, the drivers behind you need to get a good look at what could happen to them some day if they aren’t careful.

Should another driver cut you off or do something to make you mad, it is always good training for the minors and young children in your vehicle to encourage them to flip the bird at the other driver, or even to hang out of your vehicle while shaking their tiny fists and attempting to spit at the other car. After all, they will be adult drivers one day themselves and need to learn how to react in these type situations. It’s never too early to learn how to drive offensively.

When parking your vehicle, get as close to the vehicles beside you as possible. If the handicapped space is available, feel free to take that one because you are probably only going to be inside a few minutes. Parking on the sidewalk, blocking a ramp, straddling two parking spaces, or jumping in front of another driver who was about to get your spot are all good ways to make sure that you are not inconvenienced in the least. It is all about you.

Thank you and I hope to see all of you driving offensively later on as you leave the parking lot.

The Truth, a la Simon Cowell

Every Christmas and Easter, my church choir engages in a particularly brutal form of self-flagellation known as “The Cantata” or simply “Special Music”. This is not a phenomenon known only in my church but one that I am sure plays out all across America, especially in smaller churches where there is less talent to draw from.

I am not sure why people feel it is their duty to perform a piece of music in an upbeat, enthusiastic manner and with an incredibly joyous lack of talent year after year, but they do. These dear, sweet, dedicated people somehow believe that God and the Heavenly Host are all eagerly anticipating the seasonal offering of some Special Music that will prove once and for all that the choir and the listening church members are truly faithful servants.

It would not occur to these pillars of the church to simply not have the Special Music, for that would prove that they are derelict in their duty to God and it would let the rest of the church down in some way. So, they plod ever onward.

It starts out the same way, very similar to the exciting Mickey Rooney-Judy Garland “show in the backyard” themed movies. When asked if the choir wants to do Special Music, most of the members present proclaim that of course they want to do Special Music, as though the very idea of not doing it is a personal affront. Those who are more realistic and who dare to offer a dissenting opinion are usually ignored.

And so it begins. With the first practice, exclamations are heard about how good the music is going to be and how exciting the performance will be. But with unfailing regularity, after the first practice, the number of those choir members in attendance at practices drops. Week after week, the number of choir members who show up at practice changes. Now all of a sudden, many of those formerly enthusiastic choir members have been “providentially hindered” from making every practice.

Another little oddity that can be observed is that usually, the choir members who voiced a dissenting opinion on whether to do the Special Music are the ones who are going to show up for every practice.

As the date of the performance draws near, several get nervous and express concern that things won’t go well. Those fears are soothed by other, less musically-inclined, members. Others get the inspiration that perhaps the choir should wear special clothes, maybe colorful vests, or special ties, or maybe Sparkly Green Shamrock Deeley Bobbers. Okay, that last one was mine and it never happened but it would have looked impressive and would have improved the overall performance.

Finally, the date of the performance arrives and the ragtag band of fidgety, coughing, throat-clearing, faithful adults assembles to do their best - or their worst, as the case may be. Unfortunately, in the last several years, it has been “their worst” most of the time.

They joyfully warble the music they have (mostly) practiced, knowing in their hearts that once again they have saved Christmas and Easter and that little children and old people alike will know that they truly are faithful.

Never mind that the voices are not blending, the timing is off, only one of the sopranos can reach the high notes, there is only one tenor, two of the altos are off key, and one of the sopranos sings in an octave too low (and very loudly) on the first row.

Those in the choir who actually realize how bad it sounds can do nothing but ride out the mysterious but time-honored tradition known as Special Music and hope that they can exit the church afterwards before being cornered and told how wonderful it was by the other tone-deaf members of the church who smiled and nodded while listening.

Somehow, even though a herd of water buffalo lowing at sunset would have been more melodious, there are people who will smile into the performers eyes and enthusiastically gush, “This was the best one ever!”

The sad thing is that they will mean what they say and that will ensure that next year's performance is scheduled.

Hippity-hoppity Easter’s on its way.