The Truth, a la Simon Cowell

Every Christmas and Easter, my church choir engages in a particularly brutal form of self-flagellation known as “The Cantata” or simply “Special Music”. This is not a phenomenon known only in my church but one that I am sure plays out all across America, especially in smaller churches where there is less talent to draw from.

I am not sure why people feel it is their duty to perform a piece of music in an upbeat, enthusiastic manner and with an incredibly joyous lack of talent year after year, but they do. These dear, sweet, dedicated people somehow believe that God and the Heavenly Host are all eagerly anticipating the seasonal offering of some Special Music that will prove once and for all that the choir and the listening church members are truly faithful servants.

It would not occur to these pillars of the church to simply not have the Special Music, for that would prove that they are derelict in their duty to God and it would let the rest of the church down in some way. So, they plod ever onward.

It starts out the same way, very similar to the exciting Mickey Rooney-Judy Garland “show in the backyard” themed movies. When asked if the choir wants to do Special Music, most of the members present proclaim that of course they want to do Special Music, as though the very idea of not doing it is a personal affront. Those who are more realistic and who dare to offer a dissenting opinion are usually ignored.

And so it begins. With the first practice, exclamations are heard about how good the music is going to be and how exciting the performance will be. But with unfailing regularity, after the first practice, the number of those choir members in attendance at practices drops. Week after week, the number of choir members who show up at practice changes. Now all of a sudden, many of those formerly enthusiastic choir members have been “providentially hindered” from making every practice.

Another little oddity that can be observed is that usually, the choir members who voiced a dissenting opinion on whether to do the Special Music are the ones who are going to show up for every practice.

As the date of the performance draws near, several get nervous and express concern that things won’t go well. Those fears are soothed by other, less musically-inclined, members. Others get the inspiration that perhaps the choir should wear special clothes, maybe colorful vests, or special ties, or maybe Sparkly Green Shamrock Deeley Bobbers. Okay, that last one was mine and it never happened but it would have looked impressive and would have improved the overall performance.

Finally, the date of the performance arrives and the ragtag band of fidgety, coughing, throat-clearing, faithful adults assembles to do their best - or their worst, as the case may be. Unfortunately, in the last several years, it has been “their worst” most of the time.

They joyfully warble the music they have (mostly) practiced, knowing in their hearts that once again they have saved Christmas and Easter and that little children and old people alike will know that they truly are faithful.

Never mind that the voices are not blending, the timing is off, only one of the sopranos can reach the high notes, there is only one tenor, two of the altos are off key, and one of the sopranos sings in an octave too low (and very loudly) on the first row.

Those in the choir who actually realize how bad it sounds can do nothing but ride out the mysterious but time-honored tradition known as Special Music and hope that they can exit the church afterwards before being cornered and told how wonderful it was by the other tone-deaf members of the church who smiled and nodded while listening.

Somehow, even though a herd of water buffalo lowing at sunset would have been more melodious, there are people who will smile into the performers eyes and enthusiastically gush, “This was the best one ever!”

The sad thing is that they will mean what they say and that will ensure that next year's performance is scheduled.

Hippity-hoppity Easter’s on its way.