Now Hear This!
All you schlubs out there who are frantically trying to spend as much money as you possibly can before December 25….STOP. That’s right, I said stop.
You people are driving me crazy. All I want to do is take my little list out, do a little careful shopping, and go home. But no, that just is not going to be possible.
There must be some immutable law of the Shopping Universe that says when one person goes to the most obscure part of a store and stands by themselves, staring at one item, within minutes, four other shoppers will crowd around them as though there is a big sale in progress. If you don’t believe me, try it for yourself. Pick any store you want. Go to the most obscure part of the store, say toothbrush holders. Now stand there quietly and stare intently at the toothbrush holders. You may draw three, you may draw four, but a group of shoppers will somehow be alerted in a covert manner and will make their way over to where you are and attempt to crowd you out of your “spot”.
Can anyone explain why it is that the simple “Excuse me” or “Pardon me” is rarely if ever used these days? I’ve decided that from now on instead of trying to telepathically interpret what the person staring at me wants me to do (move out of the way, tap dance, sing the National Anthem?), I’m going to either ignore them or smile at them pleasantly without speaking. They will have to say something to me before I move. I mean it.
Why is that if there is a shopping cart for use in a store that people glom on to the things and then walk all hunched over as though they are using a walker, and at a snail’s pace as well? Hey, move it or lose it!
And you adults with kids who are racing like gazelles through the store? Don’t blow your top when I tell those kids to “Hey, how’s about you guys slow it down?” You obviously didn’t think about the little old lady with the cane, or the elderly man with a hearing aid who can’t hear or see the tykes tearing around the corner. Even if they could sense the approach of the little Tasmanian devils, I seriously doubt they could get out of the way fast enough. Plus there’s that possibility that one or more of your progeny could round a corner and plant their face into the front of my shopping cart. Little things like that can sure spoil the day, you know?
Speaking of children, I’m glad you know their names. All of your co-shoppers know their names. But, your children must not know their names because they keep ignoring you no matter how loudly you shout at them! Are you sure you brought the right children?
Here is something else for you shoppers to consider. If you happen to hear someone ringing a bell and see them standing in front of a little red kettle, take a minute and put something in that kettle. Those folks standing outside and ringing those bells are not there to annoy you. They are doing their part to help others who may not even have enough to put food on the table. Drop something in those kettles every time you pass by and I guarantee it, you’ll feel less annoyed when you hear those bells ringing. You might even feel like smiling while you are doing all that shopping.
You people are driving me crazy. All I want to do is take my little list out, do a little careful shopping, and go home. But no, that just is not going to be possible.
There must be some immutable law of the Shopping Universe that says when one person goes to the most obscure part of a store and stands by themselves, staring at one item, within minutes, four other shoppers will crowd around them as though there is a big sale in progress. If you don’t believe me, try it for yourself. Pick any store you want. Go to the most obscure part of the store, say toothbrush holders. Now stand there quietly and stare intently at the toothbrush holders. You may draw three, you may draw four, but a group of shoppers will somehow be alerted in a covert manner and will make their way over to where you are and attempt to crowd you out of your “spot”.
Can anyone explain why it is that the simple “Excuse me” or “Pardon me” is rarely if ever used these days? I’ve decided that from now on instead of trying to telepathically interpret what the person staring at me wants me to do (move out of the way, tap dance, sing the National Anthem?), I’m going to either ignore them or smile at them pleasantly without speaking. They will have to say something to me before I move. I mean it.
Why is that if there is a shopping cart for use in a store that people glom on to the things and then walk all hunched over as though they are using a walker, and at a snail’s pace as well? Hey, move it or lose it!
And you adults with kids who are racing like gazelles through the store? Don’t blow your top when I tell those kids to “Hey, how’s about you guys slow it down?” You obviously didn’t think about the little old lady with the cane, or the elderly man with a hearing aid who can’t hear or see the tykes tearing around the corner. Even if they could sense the approach of the little Tasmanian devils, I seriously doubt they could get out of the way fast enough. Plus there’s that possibility that one or more of your progeny could round a corner and plant their face into the front of my shopping cart. Little things like that can sure spoil the day, you know?
Speaking of children, I’m glad you know their names. All of your co-shoppers know their names. But, your children must not know their names because they keep ignoring you no matter how loudly you shout at them! Are you sure you brought the right children?
Here is something else for you shoppers to consider. If you happen to hear someone ringing a bell and see them standing in front of a little red kettle, take a minute and put something in that kettle. Those folks standing outside and ringing those bells are not there to annoy you. They are doing their part to help others who may not even have enough to put food on the table. Drop something in those kettles every time you pass by and I guarantee it, you’ll feel less annoyed when you hear those bells ringing. You might even feel like smiling while you are doing all that shopping.
posted by PeachCobbler | 8:31 PM
3 Comments:
You go right on and stare at the Lingerie Department mannequin. I'm telling you, within minutes there will be several people standing beside you and staring at the same mannequin! Either that or Rocco the Lingerie Department Bouncer will escort you out.
Hey I'm sorry to hear you've come down with a bug. Having to deal with holiday crowds as well as some yucky virus is enough to turn anyone into a Scrooge.
I'm feeling a little emotional right now and I'll tell you why, even though you may laugh. My youngest told me she doesn't believe in Santa anymore. I knew the pretend couldn't last forever so I haven't really pushed it. But, I just wrote both of my daughters letters from Santa asking them to not forget old Santa and how much fun it has been watching them on Christmas morning. I also told them that when they have children of their own, Santa will be there. Those letters, along with a small bottle of perfume, will be the only things that Santa leaves them this year. Everything else is wrapped and under the tree.
Great...there go the waterworks.
Maybe you should give the stare test theory a try in a different area, say like bathmats and towels. Something I failed to take into consideration is that perhaps the other shoppers are being drawn to me because I am a female shopper. Perhaps there is some built in radar that causes other female shoppers to suspect a "deal" is in the process and so they home in on other lone female shoppers. In that case, you probably aren't going to be able to make this work unless you try it in the lawn and garden department or the tool department.
I used to love to listen to Dr. Demento. That song was one of my favorites.
Post a Comment
<< Home